The grave


Last night was the first time I had been to a church in a good two months. (It seems like a lot longer…) anyway, I went to my old church because it was one of those days were piggies flew, the moon was blue, hell froze over, politicians were honest, an American approached a political issue using logic, and I had some time off.

It was odd, I walked through the building and… wow things were the same. But different. All I know is I told a friend that I would request a Sunday off and drop in, but I send her my apologies, because I find that I should spend as little time in that building as possible. There is Chaos in there, and walking around in it was much like watching a burning corpse, it’s disgusting, but there’s no helping but to stare.

I imagine that will still haunt the place from time to time, like I did last night. It was very refreshing actually. There was spirit energy everywhere. I know it when I can see it. The alter was stained with invisible blood. But I could see it. So much of it… It was disgusting. Still, I couldn’t help but watch. I wasn’t in worship, I wasn’t in prayer or meditation, I was simply walking around.

I followed my many paths were I had paced my own roads in the carpet. I was on my trail when I ran into a regret of mine. Literally, we almost smacked noses. The only reason we didn’t was because my head was down, I was in a daze, and I planted mine into her shoulder.

I looked up, and my first thoughts were, “Goddammit.” I felt it, I needed not to look up before I knew who I had found. I apologized, we greeted, and I asked her how she was “faring.” (a bit of off dialect, even by my standards) she said she was doing pretty good and I said, “that’s good” and continued on my way. The moment really wasn’t that awkward, In fact, it was probably one of the most normal moments we ever shared.

The air grew warm, I could feel something as I passed. I looked up and no vents were in site. I turned my head, she was watching me. Facing me. I put my head back forward and continued walking like I actually had some place to be. I got into the youth room, sat in my spot, sat in hers, and I saw one more piece of physical presents, a Picture of me on a cork board. I took it off, folded it up, and ripped it to shreds. There is still one picture of me there that I must also destroy. Twas in my intentions, but it she was there at the time.

I want to destroy all evidence that I was there. I want only to exist in the minds of those whom took enough time to give a Fuck. I sought to destroy it before I left, but once again, there were people there. I evaded vision and decided that It would be better to come back another time.

I asked my friend why someone like me would Hate this place. He told me in verbatim detail why I do. It was drawn, but the Buzz sentence was, “Because this is a grave to everything you have ever believed in. This is where all the forces dwell that have seemingly abandoned you”

Yes, I remember. I remember everything. That’s where I sat when the sapling was uprooted. That was where I sat when I was told back off. That’s where I sat when my parents left and went home to fight. That’s where I sat when I got my first hug from a non-family member. That was where Wind and I held hands. All this things I remember acutely.

None will notice that my picture is gone, but that’s okay. I would, and that’s all the matters. I can spot a defect from a mile away, but I find defects beautiful. She isn’t perfect, if she was, she wouldn’t be beautiful. She’d be little more than strokes of paint or shards of stonework. She’d be artwork, she’d be fake. Her lips would not be soft, her skin would not be warm.

I now know that I am no longer at war with myself. So much of the pain on that alter was un-needed self-mutilation. It was a pleasant reminder of not so pleasant things. It was a good chance to reflect. It was a good chance to make peace with many others, besides myself.

From the Dawn, to the Rain, Rhythm is part of nature and its intricate balance. One thing that I really enjoy is drumming. I’m not very good at it, but I love to listen to it, and I notice that with practice, I am very slowly getting better at it. Drums have been used to attract spirits and induce trances since the dawn of time.

I love the drums, and I love the pulse of life. From the constant and never-ending exploding of our sun, to the slow pulse that our lungs follow, beats can be heard in everything. I love my life, I love the Goddesses and The Gods, our lives are arranged like a great orchestra, and a fancy opera, with no expenses spared.

Life to me is very much like music. Drumming can be energetic and rapid-paced, or it can be calming and assuring. I’ve gotten to the point where I can fall into trances with music going, which is always nice. I even do a little vocalizing of my own when in worship. Nothing discernable, nothing that can be transcribed, just vocal sounds. Spirits can tell what they mean, and that’s all that matters.

The thing about using music to meditate to is that it’s always best to use something with as little words as possible. Words in music are like having communication with the person that is on the CD. The goal is to not touch base with a person, but an internal power. Humans and spirits communicate differently.

The best way to meditate is to first of all, relax, power down your house or apartment, breathe deeply and sit (or stand) in a comfortable position. Focus on your heart. Not your emotions, but your physical heart. Picture it pumping, monitor it’s flexes and releases. Find a pulse and then tag it with your mind. Follow that pulse around your body. Trace it’s movement. This is especially easy to trace when it gets to your hands, especially when holding something organic, like a rock or crystal.

The point of meditation is not to think about your day or to gain wisdom from it, all that does is harbor more distractions and concerns. When you get good at tracing your blood flow, trace your breathing. Let got of your rock or crystal, and feel the things around you. When your touch your floor and feel not the rug as a whole, but feel the fibers, the individual strands, that means that your mind is starting o relax and you are so acutely aware of your surroundings that you’ll begin to have distractions, crazy little ones. Like one time there was a fly smacking itself into the window. I could hear it’s buzzing and thonking. I let it out and then found my zone.

Spiritual voices can then be heard once a consistant state of calmness is achieved. Talk to them, welcome them into your circle, and talk to them. Ask them about things that matter to you, but first greet them respectively. Ask any confrontational ones to leave, and form pictures in your mind to make things more real. Picture yourself in a stone garden, picture the flowers, listen for birds, feel wind. Your mind will create these images in your head and your mind will construct them around you. You will begin to smell flora, you will begin to feel breeze. But make it well known that you seek nothing but balance.

Do not be consumed with thoughts of riches or intense passion. Any time your mind runs willy-nilly, start back with the blood exercise. Imagery is effective in meditation as long as you maintain proper focus.

I had a dream in a meditation, it was odd. I don’t know if I feel asleep while I was mediating, because it’s such a relaxing exercise, the two can often be confused. In this vision, I had a dream that I saw a great white vixen. Her fur was whiter than any whit I had ever seen, and it was so soft, it felt like down. Her eyes were an intense blue, as blue as a spring sky on a clear day. We sat in a grove, I could smell the flowering trees and hear the birds. It talked to me, much about my past.

It explained things to me, and told me that the reason that I wasn’t happy was because a lack of balance. How I had been too strict on myself, and how I was unreasonably striving for two extremes of life. She was so wise and so powerful. I heard her in chunks, my ears couldn’t absorb it all, but my mind did. She sat on a stump and I sat at the foot. The last words I remember her saying (well, it was telepathic communication) was that it was getting late, and that I needed to go to bed.

My eyes shot open, I looked at my clock and I was sitting up. Three hours had passes and my room was so hot! My candles shrank horridly, but I awoke feeling like I had just been emersed in warm water. I put out my candles, got into bed and fell asleep instantly

Today, I am going to talk about the power of magic. Magic, has had a lot of garbage heaped onto it, and is probably one of the biggest misconceptions of our Pagan Practices. From being seen as merely something to entertain us with, to being seen as a sinister practice powered by demonic cooperation, magic has had many masks thrown onto it.

Magic is a force that is not entirely understood. We don’t know how it works, but more often than not, it does. Rituals are actually not required for magic, but they help induce the mind to it’s “Performing State” It’s like how a bed, blankets, and pillows are not needed for sleep, but they certainly make it an easier and more enjoyable experience. Candles and incense and tools are nice, but by no means necessary.

Magic is mainly used for therapy reasons. It can be used to heal, to help balance emotion, it can induce relaxation, sexuality, cure sickness, reverse Ansonia, cure depression, enhance performance, enhance plant growth, and many other things. Magic isn’t something to be toyed with though; great discipline is needed before it should actively be used. Magic is not a cudgel, and it is dangerous to attempt to use it like so.

Magic and its use have codes of ethics. You do what you want, but it can’t hurt others or rob them of their free will. You treat others how you’d want to be treated. If I saw a girl that I liked, it would be unethical for me to make some kind of “Love Spell” to seduce her. Or if someone made me mad, It would be unethical for me to put a curse on them. We are all the children of Goddesses and Gods, and just as parents wont collaborate with their children to hurt their sibling, and just as parents will not conspire with one of their children about another, they will not let us use their power to harm others.

It can be done, but it’s a good way to open the door to a lot of angry, unfulfilling spirits and energies into your life. Not to mention that justice will be brought to the magician that abuses his or her power; but that’s a whole different ball game, I’m going to stick to the topic at hand.

A proper use for magic in sexuality is if a couple is loosing spice in the relationship, or if they find their love dwindling, they could do a ceremony themselves, but most will either seek counseling, or in a huge leap of faith or desperation will contact a magician to cast a mutual love spell. A better way to use magic in your love life is to not cast the love spell on someone, but rather, to place a seal on your aura to attract the right kind of people into your life. Basically, it works like a “Spiritual Cologne.”

Magic can also be used to enhance success. People that both work hard, and enhance their aura easily stand out amongst people who just live out their life in a hum-drum routine. I however, wish to just purely practice in the area of healing and therapeutic magic. I do not judge Pagans that enhance themselves with magic, but to me, it feels like pushing the envelope of selfish, unethical magic use.

It’s a prelude to greedy magic. Desire leads to lust, lust leads to inappropriate actions. Magic is also not to be confused with some sort of Well’s Fargo. It isn’t a guarantee, just as our parents do not spoil us, our spiritual Parents don’t spoil us. They are both wise and powerful. Part of magic is meeting them halfway.

You can’t just make a weight loss spell, and continue to live an unhealthy lifestyle. The Spirits of Magic are liberal, but they will not be taken advantage of. The power follows nature, and nature is… well… Natural. Death cannot be avoided, the cycle continues as it always has and always will. Think it this way. Magic uses supernatural power to make natural things happen. Goals of the magicians and those requesting or receiving the spell must have rational, realistic goals for to get the results they desire.

Also, I find magic used to enhance plant growth is not only effective, relaxing, and fun, but it’s a great way to give thanks to the Our Mother the Earth. What better use for magic than to simply express gratitude by returning the favor?

Although it is easy for me to talk about my beliefs to those whom I am acquainted with some problems still remain. Right now, I am in college, and my parents help support me so I don’t have to get into debt. My parents wouldn’t approve of the decision and may even yank their support out from under me altogether. My family, as well as most of my friends are staunch Christians and in all likeliness, wouldn’t embrace my beliefs with the toleration that I accept theirs.

It’s little stressful, but I know that no matter what happens, The Goddesses and The Gods will be there for me, as well as the spirits of the earth, and my spirit guide. I do not doubt their power and their ability to help me overcome, but these are people that I care about. A Bad thing about this part of the country is that you will not simply “Meet” Pagans walking down the road. I’m sure there are some, but I’m not sure where or how to find them. Especially since I have a very important ceremony coming up this Halloween.

I would rather not have my annexing ceremony by myself, I could if I wanted to, but I would like to be in the presents of my brethren and sisters in the Pagan belief. There should be a full moon pretty close to that night, and I want my ceremony to be special. I also want to get my ceremonial tools consecrated by tools that have already been consecrated, not having consecrate them myself.

It will be powerful, and I cannot wait to do it… Sorry, I got off track… Anyway, I converted from Christianity because something didn’t feel quite right about it. It’s part of the thing that is mentioned in my prayer. Originally, what caused to intensively study it was anger/rebellion, I guess, but when I got into it, I found out that it has very little if not nothing to do with anger and malice. Like I’ve said, it’s a beautiful practice, and I have found great power of a better element and have even managed to enhance my life in positive ways with it.

I, as a Pagan agree with most Morals that the Christian church feels, I think love is a special thing that should be kept between a couple, I think people should be truthful, trusting, caring, respectful, and so on. But one thing that I have a huge problem with in the Christian religion is the lack of balance, and consistency. That can be debated, until the cows come home, but what cannot be debated is the powerlessness and hypocrisy of those whom claim to be “God’s elect.”

What cannot be debated is the fact that the religion less and less about loves and helping and has become as political as GOP’s agenda itself. They even use the same tactics to get cooperation. Limiting people, scaring them, installing the faith into their own young, and trying to use their numbers to slowly irradiate the politcal process entirely until they again have the power to purge the world of “sinners” by going on a little witch hunt.

I may seem like I dislike Christians, but as I have said before, I do not hate anyone or their religion, and I have friends that practice this way and that is fine with me. There are exceptions, and those I like are those exceptions. It’s wrong to classify people by what they believe, and I’m not saying that all Christians are that way, but I feel that those who are in the hierarchy of the church are about as spiritual as a can of soda.

Luckily, for now I have a good mask. I work when I’m not in school, and When I’m not in school I’m doing homework, and when not doing homework, I’m sleeping or praising Goddess and God for their infinite powers, amazing beauty, and divine knowledge. I feel them everywhere I go, and it sends chills up my spine. I love it!!!

My Father and Mother, Please fuel me with your spirit. My soul is weary and there are those whom seek to tear open my scars. And for what Purpose? To remind me that things cannot be? They bite me like spiders; they cling to me like ticks. They say I’m not letting go, when they are the ones staring at my wounds and reminding me of many betrayals.

My Father who is of the Sun. Give me your energy, give me your warmth. My skin feels like the rock of a barren earth. Return to me your passion, your energy and will to overcome and desire for produce. Empower my life with Fire so that I can see more, shed light on the ignorance that haunts and torments me.

My Mother who is in the water. Wash my wounds clean, fill my thirst for love, and bring to me the nourishment of your brooks. Praise to you who is both merciful and mighty. Make my will like yours; give me the strength of water, the will of water, and the humble and conforming nature of water. Teach me to move around the mountains and rocks, teach me to evade the impossible obstacles, and run gently over the simple trials.

Make me like the brook, small, peaceful, quiet and serene, put equally productive; and fruitful. Fill me with the wisdom that comes from your passiveness, Beautiful Mother. Teach me not to harness anger and malice to those who betray me. As brook washes branches to the water’s edge; so too carry my grudges to the shore, where they will obstruct my flow no more.

My Father Who Is in the Sky, make my mind like the wind, allow me to push my burdens away. Teach me to harness your ways in my life. Fill me with the will to move on, circle the glob, and not to feel the limitations of the ground and this wingless body. Show me the stars; let me always see past the blackness of the midnight sky.

My Mother who is The Earth, give me strength to endure the construction of life’s processes. My life is yours, I am borrowing and I am thankful. Make me like you; fill me with your strength that endures wars, construction and climate changes. Keep my mind open and fertile, such as is the way of the ground. I thank you my beautiful loved ones and your desire to see me overcome. May the day come where I am no longer about enduring the changes and I stop surviving and Start thriving, Thank you for your healing words and divine wisdom. I love and cherish My Father and Mother as my own life. You inspire us all, great Ones