I never thought that some of my decisions would follow me so far. A few days ago, Ashley had a question about the Bible and she asked me about it, but first she made sure that I wasn’t offended by it. I wouldn’t be offended by it, and I answered her question to the best of my knowledge. I don’t consider myself anti-God. I’m just an imperfect person seeking a meaningful, peaceful, and upright existence.

I know that I’ve made mistakes and I try my best not to redo them, and if anything, learn from them. I want to be a loving and devoted husband to my wife, and a wise and compassionate father to my children. I sought guidance from God and was repeatedly blown off and became frustrated with the materialistic as well as bias nature of those that surrounded me.

How their drunken parties and loose sex lives were okay, but my monogamist gay brother’s lifestyle was “The downfall of American nation.” Worst of all was the lack of companionship. I was always on my own pew; nothing I could do was good enough for the group. I could not establish myself, and repeatedly I found myself aching for that companionship. Something very simple; and the few times I did spread my wings I was blown down, while those that looked better than me were allowed to pursue their promiscuous activities.

They say that where God closes a door, He opens a window, and I find that when you try to crawl out of that window, He slams it down on your hands.

I felt like a disoriented rat trying to crawl through a maze filled with a myriad of cruel traps and misleading odors. Read my Blog, Go back before Katrina, Go back long enough to see my intention and how I was continuously cut short while others wrought pain and death unto each other all the while hiding behind sturdy doors and a simple cross. Going unchecked and unchallenged, acting as they willed, while I begged for a friend that I could hug, take to movies, kiss, and hold her hand. That would have (And Still would) just absolutely made my year.

But I was held back. Denied, all around me, things were happening. Married Christian manager gets a blow job from an under-aged drive-through girl. Christian guy can make any girl laugh and hug him like it’s not even a task, he’s consumed with disrespect for them when eyes are turned. Every night I went home, I felt an intense lust for what all these people that had girlfriends, wives, even children. I lusted for what they liked to see as the “Crappy end of the stick.” How I’d give forever and a day just to have one with what they referred to as “Their Bitch”

They could never fully appreciate what they had, Fuck, they didn’t even want it 90 percent of the time, and all that time they didn’t want it, they were looking for “Better,” the girl that I’ve become sick of hearing about. I understand what it’s like to be in a foul relationship, I endured to the end, remaining faithful to her, up to the hour of our departure. I felt this all in one night, like watching a feast from behind a window, being a hungry, starving beggar on the outside, watching a feast on the inside. Their meal was flawless and delicious

They ate and drank their fill, only to purge themselves to make room for more.

That night, all that united within my hollow frame and that night I cried, she listened.

What has become of this Faithful Servant named Anthony Casimire? Although my direction has changed naught, I find myself in the same situation. A time will come when this fog clears, but I have a feeling that my role is not over yet. I want to be a good person; I want to be a good friend. I am tired of Changing my gods. But who can control how they feel.

It’s hard to feel Loved when you do as you’re told and your still denied the sweeter water of life, and how your life’s well is stagnant swamp water. I don’t need wine to live; I can do with water that is at least clean. My spirit was starved. Not only was prayer for a love denied, but even the basics of a good night’s rest, a divine peace, would find its way into me. Darkness was all I knew.

Discontented, unfulfilled, and broken, I sought another. Like a wife that grew tired of her husband’s neglect. I couldn’t bring myself to love Him anymore. I felt unloved, so I sought out one that might appreciate my attention, my affection, my worship. I read many things before I finally found what I am now. And I must say that now I feel like I am a good servant, I feel like I am doing my job well and that the elementals, spirits, and Goddess and God look upon me with favor.

Sure, Life still has its suck-and-blows, it’s still not peachy, I lost one I love, one of my friends has been murdered, and things aren’t perfect. But I also give them credit for the find and good times that we were allowed to share. I give them thanks for the time I had with Bryan, I give them thanks for this wonderful job and opportunities that have come my way. I Feel like I’ve made my Deities proud, and they in return Love me. And I in return Love them, because the divine connection is not about getting what you want all the time. They will help, He Will help, however you choose to see it and whoever you choose to see it with. But ultimately the composer of your successes in life is up to you.

I don’t care about being right, I’d much rather be filled with an innocent form of Happiness or even just contentment. Some people feel the need to dramatically change the world, and every time the world is dramatically changed, it’s Always for the worse. Some people wouldn’t Rest in Peace unless they brought about this change, I for one will die ecstatically if when I died, I knew that I didn’t contribute to Fucking it up more, and that my wife and Children tell me that they loved me and that I was a good father and husband.