It seems that a time has come that I didn’t wish to come. I’m sure this is only a trial, I’m sure it will blow over. This isn’t a scenario where it’s me vs. Katrina. She has nothing to with this; I’m just fighting inner demons that I thought were gone by this point. I’m kind of disappointed with myself at this point. After such a short time of being someone’s world, has my mind already fallen wayward? Have I already forgotten?

It’s hard to describe what I fight within. My mind is drifty where it used to very well grounded. I Love Katrina and there is nothing in the world I wouldn’t give her within reason. But it’s hard to describe what I feel within. A little regret, I don’t know what it is. I can’t put my finger on it. Is it greed? Is it desire? I don’t want to take her for granted. Whatever it is, I loath it.

There are times when my urge to withdraw is far too long than I care to it be. I spent so many years of my life alone, why is it now that I have such an intense desire to fall back for a while? I suppose it’s only normal to want some personal time, but must my desire be so blunt, and so intense?

How can a ghost that has been brought back to life want to be returned to his quiet state? My mind is riddled with my past Regrets, and it wasn’t so bad until I heard reminder songs. But how can I compare my regrets to hers? She at least knew them as real people. My regrets are bad memories, and that is all they are. Never-will-be’s. they were a series of dream worlds crammed together into something that might have happened. My heart fell in love with what my mind created. Mirages, fantasies. That’s all they were.

My tomb; the church, I used to go to, calls me very powerfully. I think I need a lesson in appreciation. I think I need to take my regret head on and remember what it is like to… watch. I need to remind my soul and heart of what it has forgotten. I plan on playing a little game as well. It should be fun. I feel sorry for the poor soul that finds the letter I will leave in some remote, quiet part of the church. I will leave my gender unclear and my name will simply be “The Church Ghost” I think a part of me escaped and found me, and that evil part of me came back. The part that cannot be contented, the part that will always desire blood.

I wish I could kill it, no God or Magics will do that trick though. It’s hard to describe what feelings circulate through my mind. It’s hard to tell these things now. I want to be a bad person, all the sudden. I, for some weird wish reason to flex a hidden and terrible muscle. Is such an intense desire really felt by an evil mind? Does this make me a bad person? I think I will try to seal it there. I will drive this feeling from my body, force it onto paper, and I will leave it there.

I tore up all signs of my existence so far there, and now, How Ironic that I will be bringing the whole thing back only to leave it in a remote yet observable place. I am feeling this feeling being purged from me only through the use of dark poetry. Not scary gothic things, just honest messages of what I feel.

I want to purge this. I am sick and I know it. Not my body or mind, but my soul. My soul is sick, and I have no idea why. I will leave this thing in the church, I will observe the world that gave such great pain, and again I will recall why I built my tower and wall. I may again see the beauty in her that captivates me. So I can remember what it’s like to not have the acceptance and appreciation of the person I love.

So, there I will drive a knife into my heart to remind it of what it’s like. Maybe then my selfish heart will be humbled, so that I can kiss her like she deserves to be kissed. Maybe then I will be able to revive that new sensation feel to the times we touch and hug. But I cannot carry this farce… how will I tell her that this is not a good time to be teasing me about being her “man-slave” or of being “incompetent?”

I like to joke of such things, but right now it feels like I desire to be somewhere else and I don’t like it. How can I explain what’s happening to me without sounding like I want to break up, because her mind would expand it to that point and she’d think so. Or how can I explain what my mind is feeling without sounding like I’m on some kind of “Period for men” How can I explain to her that she’s almost engaged to a Monster?

My inner demons have been waxing of late. I need some time to ground and Clarify. What I feel now is temporary. What I feel is not is not me. I will update later, but as of now, I need to rest. I am So Tired….

On occasion, I often mention something that I like to refer to as the spiritual shield, and I am going to take some time to describe this theory. I guess the best way to describe this is to give an example of someone with a powerful spiritual shield.

Have you ever been around someone that made you very comfortable? They had a zest and joy for life and rarely seemed to be down or depressed? That is a good example of a spiritual shield. A Spiritual shield is an invisible field of energy that occasionally will be seen mingling with the Aura. Basically, it’s positive energy that is being amplified and conducted through a person that allows it to flow through them.

Spiritual shields react mainly to the person, but can be influenced by other energies or by crystals and other devices. A positive energy will deflect negative energy. Negative energy can also make up someone’s spiritual shield, but this kind of shield would be a burden, not a form of protection.

Positive energy wards off negative energy. The traits of positive energy are Love, Compassion, ambition, zeal, and kindness. Positive energy can be gathered and amplified through enjoyment, charity, practicing a loved hobby, being with positive people, reading, meditation, and learning.

Negative energy, like its counterpart, can ward off positive energy if it over, powers it. The traits of negative energy are depression, anxiety, bitterness, regret, and having a negative outlook on life. Negative energy can be gathered and Amplified through too much stress, greed, laziness, being with negative people, close-mindedness, and over-exposing yourself to negatives.

If one surrounds themselves with positive energy, they better endure hardships and are generally more healthy in every way than most people. I however, do think some negative energy escapes into our lives without detection. Concepts, and thought philosophies of immature, negative, and shallow people often infiltrate our souls so discreetly that they go undetected.

Think about how our country thrives off of sex and violence, how our media cracks the whips of fear behind us without ceasing. I’m not saying that a good spiritual life starts with throwing your TV out the window, but these things affect our souls and our thoughts. We are easily influenced, and although I enjoy many action movies, if all I did was sit around and watch those whenever I had free time, my soul would be over exposed to these influences.

Time needs to be spent on doing something other than staring at the TV or a computer. I Love technology, but it is far from my passion. And many times, the soul simply needs to find a quiet place, and listen to the divine whisper that we hear in the back of our minds. This world is so Chaotic and noisy, peace starts with quiet, and if you don’t believe that such things effect you greatly, withdraw from them and see how long you can make it without your TV or your computer.

If you want to shed negativity, you have to cut off the sources. What If a homely person did nothing but sit around and watch shows about beautiful people? God knows you never see someone that isn’t perfect on TV… these bring about feelings of inadequacy of the self and/or expecting too much from people. We live in a world that encourages nothing but selfishness. We’re a prideful country.

I find great joy in the simple things. The sun on my face, the scent of lilacs in the spring, the sound of water, and talking with my Love. I work Fast food, I had to stop going to college for a year, I had few friends in high school, I drive an oldsemobile Cutlass, I still live at home, and I’m five feet two inches tall and 103 pounds. I’m not by what most people consider successful or admirable, but I am so Happy I can’t see strait!

I have a reliable source of income, I’m out of debt, I’m in a very passionate and Loving Relationship, My car is reliable, I have generous parents, I’m active and healthy. I’m not living an exciting crime-filled life to earn money, I’m not screwing a coworker or my girlfriend’s best friend behind her back; nor do I want to, I don’t street race or flee from the cops, I don’t hate the people I live with, and I’m not a Chippendale supermodel. According to the standards that everyone likes to watch at night, I’m a pretty lame, sorry excuse of a person. But in these bonds I am free from the life that fills the subconscious with malcontent.

Now that I’m done chasing that Rabbit, (I Think) I will continue. Negative energy is caused by what some would call sin, and by things that are not sinful such has just having a worrisome spirit. Our spirits are innocent, and powerful. We become so desensitized from our spirit that we lose our ability to believe in or practice magic. We become attuned to the mundane, and we spend so much time trying to fulfill our desires that we forget to be content with what we have. We lose our grounding with our original and simple ways. This state of existence makes us superconductors of this negative energy.

To keep up your spiritual shield of positive energy, you need to offer it a chance to recharge, and do things that allow your imagination to run around a bit. I say this not because I’m some crazy bored person, I’ve forgotten what free Time is, for crying out loud! I’m just saying a lot of these ailments that people feel are often blamed on a chemical imbalance in the mind. I think that a lot of these problems are actually spiritual problems and people being overtaken with Negative energy. It’s easy to take advantage of a person when they walk into your office and Tell you strait up that they have a problem. But the solution isn’t always to shove some kind of mind-altering pill into your body.

The important thing to realize if you are interested; or even experienced in magic is that you need to keep it simple. Don’t buy a book and do a carbon-copy of a spell from the author, and expect some immediate divine fulfillment. That will lead to disappointment and you’ll more than likely toss the book aside assuming that what you read is garbage. Remember that the elementals and the spirits of magic are real living beings that seek more than to fulfill desires. They are not our slaves; they don’t have to do anything for us.

Magic is a powerful thing, and before you start practicing, you need to have peace and balance in your life. You need to find something that grounds you and brings you to a peaceful state of mind. Open your chakras, meditate under a tree, go fishing, bake a cake, do something that makes you feel happy and peaceful, but will not bring outer influences into your mind. Don’t think about things bring about emotions. Concentrate your thoughts on peace.

Here is a good exercise for the summer. Go to a park by yourself, and lay in the sun. Relax in it. Thank it for its light, and describe what it makes you feel back to it. You can even do it in your mind if you’re afraid of making people think you’re a loony. Describe these feelings, embrace these feelings, be poetic, act like the sun is your Lover and you are telling it how it makes you feel. Don’t think about the annoying children, don’t gawk at the Hot Joggers, just withdraw as far as possible and connect with the sun.

Stay in it as long as you can. Don’t push your boundaries, just get uncomfortable. Then move to a tree and sit in its shade. Feel the difference, and like you did with the sun, absorb it. Thank it for its shade, thank it for its company. Relax and enjoy the tree. If it has flowers, enjoy the flowers, and tell the tree of its beauty. If it has edible fruit, enjoy that as well. Find grounding that you need, and from that point on, you will slowly discover Happiness.

A few days ago, I was in the mall, looking around through jewelry stores trying to find engagement bands. Katrina’s mom has been telling me I should get her a promise ring, which undoubtedly a cute idea, but the thing sounds, kind of grossly High Schoolish to me. Our situation we have unfolding through us is weird… when we get enough money, we’re going to get together, but we want to move out and tie the knot as soon as intelligently possible.

Anyway, we kind of have this “Prolonged engagement” set up, so I want to buy us matching rings. That way, people look at our fingers and can tell what’s going on, even though we’re not “Married” yet. The whole commitment thing is set in our hearts and souls, so that’s really all that matters, but I want to get rings so we have a visible manifestation of what is going on.

Her ring is going to be pretty. Since we have varying religious beliefs, I’ve planned things out to integrate my religious beliefs in the traditional “Holy Matrimony.” The rings are the first ones. Her ring is going to have a silver band with a Celtic knot as the holder of the Talisman. The Talisman itself will be pink amethyst that is shaven down out of its crystal formation to have rigid edges, but a smooth top to serve as the foundation for the knot.

My band is going to be broader, matching silver and will have Celtic vine art engraved around the band, which foundation will be 10 karat gold, but be covered with shiny black finish. Thus, introducing some pagan symbols to it. The important thing is that we love each other anyway. Our beliefs vary, but our hearts beat as one.

I haven’t got an estimate yet, but I know where to start now. Secondly, on my adventure through the mall, I stopped in by a Christian book store to pick up a book about where the religion stands on magic arts of the sort. It’s mainly about Wicca, which is kind of funny because I’m not even Wicca, but it was the closest thing I could find. I had to order it, which was awkward. Luckily I don’t think the cashier caught which direction I was coming from. He, at first threw me a book on Satanism, which was needless to say, entirely farfetched. But I said, “No, I’m looking for something that deals with Magic… this isn’t what I’m looking for at all.” Ah… misconceptions… Some people really need to do more research.

Katrina knows, but she doesn’t speak much of it. She’s very tolerating, and I don’t have anything against her beliefs. She knows the quality of my character, and she trust it, as I have given her reason to do so. People are people, no title, appearance, or class difference is going to change the core foundations of Love. And she’s not stupid. She knows that Christians are just as capable of evil as any agnostic, atheist, or infidel.

Just the other day, I was listening to a manager of mine. One minute he was complaining about how his wife had to work child-care on Easter in a very vulgar manner, next minute he was talking about what a nice hind-end their waitress had that afternoon. I just Love how some sins are so overlookable and yet others are highways to hell.

I’m going to let our children decide their path I’m going to teach them to be active learners, open-minded, intelligent, friendly, respectful, obedient, kind, and honest. I’m giving them the vegetables and the dressings; they can toss their own salad. With kids, you are their guide for a short time, but they quickly start to manage their own lives. What makes a good parent is how capable they are of raising their kids to be independent. A Teacher’s job is to not hold their students forever, but see them achieve a higher level.

What I say is opinionated statements, but what is a fact is that no book, no psychologist’s ramblings, is going to make your kids become what you consider ideal. That’s just trying to fit a square into a circle; because everyone is different. As Far as Katrina living out her faith, that is up to her. I will be her physical, mental and emotional Guide and Guardian, but the quest to find what you believe within is exactly that. She must look within for answers.

I’ll go to church, I’ll participate in the services and ceremonies if that will make her happy. It isn’t going to change the way I feel, and what is two and a half hours a week of my schedule when it’s a small thing that I can do to make her happy? I am a keeper of Balance I will work for Peace.

I don’t think she’s ever lived with such concepts, they’ll get into a full blown argument and fight over who has to do the dishes when there are little as fifteen of them. I live humbly out in the open, and take on the roll as “Faithful servant,” it is in the secret that my power resides. My strength comes from within. My strength comes from the elements around me. My power will not grow old; my power will not fade away. My power follows me like a gentle wake. My power is so great, I don’t even have to prove or flaunt it.

I am happy with where things are. There is future in this, there is hope in this.